Victory is Sweet, Slightly Tangy, With Just a Hint of Smokiness.
Feel free to stop paying attention to any of that tiresome news about our presidential election. The polls. The speeches. The sound-bites. None of it matters.
The race for president ended today, and Barack Obama is now officially our Dear Leader.
This is not speculation; I'm not jumping to conclusions. I have tangible, concrete proof, from an incredibly reliable source: the American public. The people -- through an Associated-Press/Yahoo News survey -- have spoken, and there can be no other interpretation of the hard data that is now shining forth from my laptop's crisp, perfectly-callibrated LCD monitor.
What sayeth the good people of our land?
On the most crucial issue of our time -- summer barbecues -- Obama holds a jaw-dropping seven-point lead:
That's right. John McCain is simply incapable of bringing the kind of barbecue-related vibrance and zest that voters have come to expect from their elected leaders. America thirsts for a young, energetic President; a man with the ability to eat multiple burgers -- perhaps topped with bacon -- without showing signs of barbecue fatigue.
Time and again, McCain has failed to lead when it comes to eating delicious grilled foods. Our Nation can no longer tolerate this shortcoming. Obama may not have as many years under his belt, but his unique ability to create a positive change in the general atmosphere of outdoor cook-outs across the country is unquestionable.
We are at a crossroads in our nation's history. We can choose to go forward, and create a land full of perfectly cooked meats, rich sauces, and enjoyable conversation; or we can go backwards, and suffer through dull neighborhood gatherings, full of flavorless meat and overcooked vegetables.
In our hearts, I think we all know which choice to make in November.
The race for president ended today, and Barack Obama is now officially our Dear Leader.
This is not speculation; I'm not jumping to conclusions. I have tangible, concrete proof, from an incredibly reliable source: the American public. The people -- through an Associated-Press/Yahoo News survey -- have spoken, and there can be no other interpretation of the hard data that is now shining forth from my laptop's crisp, perfectly-callibrated LCD monitor.
What sayeth the good people of our land?
On the most crucial issue of our time -- summer barbecues -- Obama holds a jaw-dropping seven-point lead:
(Associated Press)
People would rather barbecue burgers with Barack Obama than with John McCain.
While many are still deciding who should be president, by 52 percent to 45 percent they would prefer having Obama than McCain to their summer cookout, according to an Associated Press-Yahoo News poll released Wednesday.
Having Obama to a barbecue would be like a relaxed family gathering, while inviting McCain "would be more like a retirement party than something fun," said Wesley Welbourne, 38, a systems engineer from Washington, D.C.
That's right. John McCain is simply incapable of bringing the kind of barbecue-related vibrance and zest that voters have come to expect from their elected leaders. America thirsts for a young, energetic President; a man with the ability to eat multiple burgers -- perhaps topped with bacon -- without showing signs of barbecue fatigue.
Time and again, McCain has failed to lead when it comes to eating delicious grilled foods. Our Nation can no longer tolerate this shortcoming. Obama may not have as many years under his belt, but his unique ability to create a positive change in the general atmosphere of outdoor cook-outs across the country is unquestionable.
We are at a crossroads in our nation's history. We can choose to go forward, and create a land full of perfectly cooked meats, rich sauces, and enjoyable conversation; or we can go backwards, and suffer through dull neighborhood gatherings, full of flavorless meat and overcooked vegetables.
In our hearts, I think we all know which choice to make in November.
1 comment:
Hilarious Abe!
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