Open Letters To Random Public Figures At The Dawn Of A New Year.

Dear Barack Obama,

Please don't screw everything up.
Please.

Dear George W. Bush,

People are always saying mean things about you, but deep down inside, they're just jealous that you got to be president and they didn't. You're not really like Hitler, are you? I mean, you don't even have a mustache. Which, by the way, is something you should definitely consider growing. You have less than a month left in office, and everyone is shunning you. What do you have to lose? Growing a mustache would transform you into a legend, like bigfoot, or that dancing guy on YouTube. And given the complete intolerance for presidential facial hair that has prevailed throughout the last 100 years, your upper-lip warmer would strike a blow for facial freedom that would resound for decades to come. Please George, do it for the children.

Dear Sarah Palin,

A little bit of ambition can be a great thing. Too much ambition, on the other hand, can lead to bad things. Like being stabbed by your friends en-masse on the Ides of March. You don't want that to happen, do you? Alaska is a nice place. Why don't you just stay there? In Washington DC, they don't even let you hunt mooses. Heck, they don't even have mooses.

It's a hellhole, Sarah. Let the elites have it.

Dear Mike Huckabee,

I've never seen your TV show, but just thinking about the fact that you have a TV show makes me feel inexplicably happy. On a vaguely related note, you should start endorsing products. I would definitely buy Huckabee biscuit mix -- and I don't even normally buy biscuit mix! Think about it: you could be the white male Aunt Jemima of biscuits. It almost makes the presidency sound pathetic in comparison.

Dear Osama Bin Laden,

I know you don't like Americans very much, but really, we aren't that bad. Have you ever had a chocolate chip cookie? We invented those. They're basically little circles of condensed joy. Of course, they have to be fresh from the oven if you want to experience them in their full glory, but even a bag of "Famous Amos" will do in a pinch. Seriously, you should try some. And maybe rethink that whole "death to America" thing.

Dear Kim Jong Il,

Are you still alive? If not, can I have your gerbil? It would mean a lot to me.

If you are still alive, please die. You're kind of a terrible person, and I really want that gerbil. Thanks.

Dear American Capitalism,

Please don't leave. We still love you! Some may complain about your so-called "excesses," but I don't see anything wrong with a small group of people becoming very rich, and then squandering their wealth on gold-plated ice cream and bad mortgages. Without the zany antics of irresponsible rich people, the world would be as boring as Imperial Margarine. And just between you and me, I'm not a big fan of your cousin, European Socialism. He may give everyone medicine for free, and feed homeless kittens, but he's still a smug, self-righteous jerk. Don't even get me started on those taxes of his. Anyways, just hang in there. If you survive to annoy just one more French person, it'll be worth it.