Maybe She Should Just Stay Home and Bake Cookies.

Watching the most recent Democratic candidates debate made me wonder...

Who actually likes Hillary anyways?

And I'm not just saying that because I disagree with her on "the issues", because she's married to Bill, or because of the ridiculous faux-southern accent incident. I'm saying that because I believe she's a genuinely unappealing candidate, in almost every possible way.

The first strike against Hillary is her lack of a definable personality. The other candidates standing on stage last Sunday were pretty easy to peg: Biden was audacious and unfiltered, Edwards was as slick as a greased pig, Obama was the slow, steady guy, Dodd was gruff and authoritative, Gravel was like a giant, rabid, hairless squirrel, and so on and so forth. But what was Hillary? I really don't know. I don't even think she knows. There wasn't anything in her performance to particularly praise or deride, kind of like a kid in a school play who isn't bad enough to be funny or good enough to get applause, and who's role is immediately forgotten as soon as she walks off the stage. With all due respect, her style of communication would go a lot further in the world of PBS documentary voice overs. She may not be able to get a crowd fired up about health care, but just listen in awe as she elaborates on the migration patterns and feeding habits of the rare and majestic Guinea Baboons of Senegal.

To be fair, it has to be said that her personality crisis isn't entirely her fault. Friends of Hillary have often noted that the warm, funny Hillary they know is almost nothing like the cold, stilted Hillary that appears on TV. I'm not exactly an expert on social theory but I think I have a pretty good idea of what's causing Hillary's dichotomous persona:

(1) Hillary is a woman.
(2) In the past, all of our presidents have been men.
(3) Therefore, as a society, we expect our president to be (for the most part) masculine and tough.
(4) Masculine, tough women freak most people out.
(5) If Hillary acts masculine and tough, she will freak most people out.
(6) If Hillary doesn't act masculine and tough, she will appear too weak to be the president.

Basically, Hillary exists in a state of political purgatory, unable to go to either end of the personality spectrum without alienating people. In the end, her choice to embrace a somewhat bland, undefinable personality is actually quite logical.

The second strike against Hillary is her puzzling attempt to appear moderate in order to appeal to disaffected Republicans. Let's face it: Hillary Clinton is Hillary Clinton, and no Republican will ever like Hillary Clinton. When asked about Hillary Clinton, a Republican will likely tell you that she is either (A) the Antichrist, (B) Satan, or (C) the bride of Satan, but never will you hear him or her tell you that she is (D) a candidate that they are earnestly considering voting for. Hillary is sacrificing her radical base in order to pander to people who will carry their hatred of her to their graves. This is a really dumb thing to do.

And of course, the final strike against Hillary is the heavy proliferation of creepy (and probably photoshopped) Hillary pictures, like this one:



Enough said.