But Who Had the Best Hair?

Last Saturday, the Iowa Christian Alliance and Iowans for Tax Relief held a presidential forum in which six of the current GOP presidential candidates were given 20 minutes each to speak about the issues near and dear to the hearts of the event's sponsors: fiscal responsibility, tax reform, and Christian values. The event took place in Des Moines, or, as it shall henceforth be known, lil' Omaha , and was targeted at the coveted demographic of "People That Live In Iowa". I don't actually live in Iowa, but I came along anyways because there would be free food and the possibility of touching the hem of Mitt Romney's robe, which is rumored to possess miraculous healing properties. Unfortunately, no robe touching occurred in the course of the event, but I still got to see some semi-famous people in real life, which was reasonably awesome. Some of those semi-famous people did well, some didn't do so well, and some were freakishly bad. So, without further ado, this is my take on the performance (not necessarily the views) of each individual candidate:

Tommy Thompson
When I saw Tommy Thompson in person for the first time, I came away thinking that he was a loud, arrogant, egotistical jerk. After seeing him for a second time, I came away with the impression that he'd spent a long time refining his loud, arrogant, egotistical jerk routine into a masterpiece of the art form that will remain unsurpassed for generations to come. Watching Tommy Thompson speak was a bit like watching a rhinoceros trampling on a herd of chihuahuas: tragic, but strangely hilarious. I could write a three-volume book on the many facets of weirdness his speech contained, but I'll try to restrain myself. Just remember: if a friend asks you to vote for Tommy Thompson, turn around, walk away, and never speak to that person again. Someone like that is clearly unstable and poses a serious risk to your physical, mental, and spiritual well-being.

Worst line: "You better beg God that you nominate Tommy Thompson!"
I don't think so Tommy.

Mike Huckabee
Coming right after Tommy Thompson, Mike Huckabee was like a fresh gust of wholesome country air. He was funny, he was polished, he was humble, and he was so darn nice that he could shoot your dog, look you in the eyes and say "I killed your dog", and you would still want to give him a hug and a sizable donation. Needless to say, the communication experience he gained as a pastor clearly paid off. He may not win the nomination (due in part to paltry media coverage), but whoever does get the nomination should seriously consider making Huckabee their running mate.

Sam Brownback
I think Brownback is a nice guy with a good heart and good views. Unfortunately, he talks with a numbing, Al-Gore-esque monotone that lacks anything that resembles charisma. He attempted to add some folksy appeal to his speech with farm anecdotes and references to Sunday school values, but in the end he failed to convince anyone that Sam Brownback is the man we need in the oval office. We need good people in the Senate, and in my opinion, that's where Brownback should stay.

Mitt Romney
It was kind of weird watching Romney on stage. While the other candidates participated in the event, Romney transcended the event, in a decidedly non-Buddhist way. Instead of quibbling about the technicalities of public policy, or attacking the views of the leading candidates, he spoke about a broad, inclusive vision for America's future, and acted like he was the only Republican candidate running for the presidency. The other candidates are focusing on winning the primaries, but Romney is already running for the general election. I don't know if this attitude of inevitability will ultimately hurt or help him, but a few things are certain: he sounds like a president, he looks like a president, and a lot of voters in key states want him to be their president. I don't like Romney personally, but I think he has the potential to go far. Will we see a Romney-Huckabee ticket in 2008? Maybe.

Tom Tancredo
This one was the shocker of the evening. Tom Tancredo, a bottom-tier candidate who was terrible in the debates, absolutely blew the crowd away. His on-fire conservative rhetoric was Limbaugh-esque in it's resonance with the audience; the air was positively electric. Tancredo said the right things in the right way, and gave a voice to all the people who are sick and tired of the do-nothing GOP leadership in Washington. It was enough to fill any red-blooded Republican with the urge to bust into a meatpacking plant and start rounding up illegals. His views and adversarial attitude are so polarizing that I don't think he has a chance in the general election, but who knows? As Barry Goldwater said when he ran for president in '64, the Republican party needs to offer a "choice, not an echo". Of course, Goldwater ended up losing, but it's thought that counts.

Duncan Hunter
To sum him up in one word: disappointing. Duncan Hunter did very well talking in thirty-second bursts during the debates, but he appears to be unable to effectively communicate for an extended amount of time. He began with a long, rambling anecdote about Americas dependency on foreign countries for obscure components of military equipment, and continued on that same note for the rest of the speech. He couldn't seem to get off the subject of the military, which is an important topic to be sure, but not the only one. I came away thinking that Duncan Hunter might make a great Secretary of Defense, but a great President? Forget about it.

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I'll try to post clips from the forum once they become available (CSPAN should have the whole thing on their website on the fourth of July).