A Thought.

If Roman Polanski were a plumber from Hoboken, who would be petitioning for his release?

Justice is supposed to be blind. Being a creative genius isn't grounds for clemency. Neither is being a holocaust survivor.

Some situations are complicated; this one isn't. Polanski committed a terrible crime, and admitted his guilt. He should be punished. Justice delayed is better than no justice at all.

A Family Affair.

When Mark Sanford vanished, it was a big story. When he reappeared, and confessed to an affair with a woman in Argentina, it became a once-in-a-lifetime feast of scandal and intrigue.

And it didn't take long for pundits to pull out the hypocrisy card.

You see, Mark Sanford's south-of-the-border infidelity was only a minor sin, on par with downloading the second season of ALF on Bittorent. And we've all been there, right? Yes, the real crime was that Sanford had the gall to promote "family values" while he indulged in private iniquity. Sanford was a hypocrite.

Senator John Ensign, another conservative Republican, had just admitted to an affair of his own a week earlier. Another hypocrite.

So, people started to connect the dots:

Sanford.
Ensign.
Vitter.
Craig.
Foley.

The already-triumphant left became jubulient. They finally had a dossier of evidence that discredited those religious-right loonies once and for all.

It was so simple: anyone who really cared about family values would have no choice but to migrate to the Democratic Party, led by shiny dad-in-chief Obama.

But wait -- what about all those Democratic sex scandals?

Like John Edwards, who fathered an illegitimate child while his wife was stricken with cancer?
Like Elliot Spitzer, who hired a prostitute?
And didn't his successor, David Patterson, have... marital problems.... of his own?
What about big-city mayors like Kwame Kilpatrick, Gavin Newsom, and Antonio Villaraigosa?
Or President Bill Clinton?

Gosh. It sure looks like this whole infidelity thing doesn't really respect party lines. But what about the hypocrisy thing? Democrats may cheat, but are they hypocrites?

To a certain extent, yes.

Politicians of all stripes try to paint themselves as model family men. It isn't a Republican thing. And generally, Republicans are no more judgmental than Democrats. It's worth noting that Ronald Reagan, a conservative Republican, was the first divorced President.

Sure, Republicans have a habit of attacking Democrats for their personal failings, but Democrats are all too happy to return the favor. Whenever a tawdry scandal is exposed, you can bet that people will exploit it for political gain.

And Republicans may tend to take conservative positions on issues like abortion and gay marriage, but frankly, neither of those issues have much to do with cheating on your spouse. Opponents of gay marriage may talk about the "sanctity" of marriage, and traditional values, but supporters of gay marriage appear to believe that marriage is pretty darn important as well, and I haven't heard of any Democrats (unless Woody Allen counts) who openly support infidelity.

But even if conservatives alone bore the stain of hypocrisy, would it matter?

Not really.

When someone fails to live up to the standards they preach, they discredit themselves -- not their standards. If Officer Bob tells a classroom full of kiddies to stay off drugs, and then goes home and overdoses on painkillers, it doesn't become okay to become a pill-popping fiend. And when a socially-conservative politician has a fling with a South American vixen, it doesn't mean that marriage is a sham. It means he is.

Thank goodness. If we tossed out ideals every time we failed to live up to them, we wouldn't have much left to believe in.

The idea that Republicans are losing their "values voter" cred is just as absurd. Socially conservative voters support Republicans because they agree with their policies. Voters in South Carolina may give Sanford the boot, but it's unlikely that they'll replace him with a liberal Democrat.

In the end, cheaters like Sanford, Ensign or Clinton are just people who did something bad. Sometimes their careers die, and sometimes they don't. Their actions don't -- and shouldn't -- herald the death of a party or an ideology. Anyone who pretends that adultery (or hypocrisy) is a Republican problem or a Democratic problem is willfully ignorant.

It turns out that there are humans in both parties. Who knew?

You Won't Like Me When I'm Indicted.

Incredible hulk tie?
Funny.

Infamous "the Internet is a series of tubes" comment?
Funny. And kind of disturbing.

$250,000 worth of corruption?
Eh, not so much.

Fortunately, the situation isn't a total disaster. We can still count on saintly Senators like Larry Craig and David Vitter to uphold the GOP's gold standard of ethics.

Good Cop/Bad Cop

I feel kind of bad about writing so many negative things about Mitt Romney. Despite a hefty PR offensive (defensive?), he's still trailing behind in the polls, and nobody likes it when people start beating up on the little guy. So, in the spirit of fairness and goodwill, here is my exhaustive list of good things about Mitt Romney:

1. His hair is generally excellent.
2. His kids are nice people, and one even has a beard, which is also nice.
3. He thinks polygamy is a bad thing. I agree.
   
4. He has a lot of money, and probably gives some of it to poor people.
5. He is a special, individual person.
6. He hasn't recently robbed a bank, car, or synagogue treasury.

With that out of the way, I will now proceed to indirectly bash Mitt by bashing one of his top political advisers. Sorry, Mitt.

---

There are basically three types of scandals in American politics: (A) scandals involving money, (B) scandals involving extra-marital relations, and (C) a scandelicious combination of the two. But the Romney campaign is now faced with the prospect of dealing with a brand spankin' new kind of scandal; a scandal innovation, if you will. To put it into the simplest of terms, one of Romney's top political aides has been allegedly caught impersonating highway patrol officers in two states. To put it into slightly less simple terms, here is a long article which you may not have the attention span to read and that you can skip if you have to:

(From the Boston Globe)
State Police are investigating one of Mitt Romney's top campaign aides for allegedly impersonating a trooper by calling a Wilmington company and threatening to cite the driver of a company van for erratic driving, according to two law enforcement sources familiar with the probe.

Jay Garrity, who is director of operations on Romney's presidential campaign and a constant presence at his side, became the primary target of the investigation, according to one of the sources, after authorities traced the cellphone used to make the call back to him. The investigation comes three years after Garrity, while working for Romney in the State House, was cited for having flashing lights and other police equipment in his car without proper permits.

The New Hampshire attorney general, according to the Associated Press, has also opened an investigation into a report that a Romney aide, later identified as Garrity, pulled over a New York Times reporter in New Hampshire and said he had run his license plate.

New Hampshire law prohibits private citizens from accessing license plate databases or pulling over fellow citizens.

In the phone call to the Wilmington company, which was recorded by an answering service and obtained by the Globe, a man who identifies himself as "Trooper Garrity with the Massachusetts State Police" complains about the driving of a van owned by Wayne's Drains Middlesex Sewers of Wilmington. The caller repeatedly says he is a trooper and questions when the driver will return to the office.

"I'm going to get the address of your company," the caller says during the May 13 call. "I'm going to come down to your company. I'm going to personally issue this driver a citation for both speeding, driving erratic, cutting across."

"The whole thing was just hinky," said Wayne Barme, owner of the Wilmington drain and sewer cleaning company, whose wife, Dot, contacted State Police after receiving the complaint.

The charge of impersonating an officer, a misdemeanor, carries a penalty of a fine of up to $400 or up to one year in prison.

In 2004, the Globe reported, Garrity was cited and fined for driving a Crown Victoria with red and blue lights mounted in the grill, a siren, a PA system, and strobe lights; and for having a nightstick and identification showing a State Police patch that read "Official Business."

Garrity was also cited for having windows that were more deeply tinted than state law permits

So, to briefly recap the story for everyone who skipped it:

• A "Trooper Garrity with the Massachusetts State police" called a plumbing company, threatening to come over and fine one of their drivers.

• The call was traced back to Jay Garrity, one of Romney's closest political aides.

• A New York Times reporter in New Hampshire also claims to have been pulled over by Jay Garrity, who ran his license plate number.
  

• As recently as three years ago, Jay Garrity was fined for driving a car decked out with illegal police equipment, including strobe lights, a siren, and a PA system. He was also found bearing a police baton and a fake police ID.

What does this mean? It means that one of Mitt Romney's closest friends is a junior psychopath with a thing for pretending to be a police officer and doing creepy faux-police work in his spare time. Seriously people, I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to.

Of course, I know it's terribly wrong to judge a man by the company he keeps, but couldn't Romney at least try to publicly distance himself from the nuttiness? So far, Romney is sticking by his man, despite the fact that the evidence doesn't look so good for good ol' Trooper Garrity. And even if all the allegations prove to be false, in a presidential race, it pays to play it safe. But hey, it's just politics: some campaigns offer sleaze and intrigue, the Romney campaign offers wacky cartoon hijinks. It's a good thing that I happen to like wacky cartoon hijinks.

And if it turns out that Jay Garrity is as clean as a whistle, I get to add another item to my ever-growing "Good Things About Mitt Romney" list:

(7) His top aide isn't a nutcase who illegally impersonates state troopers.

That's what you call a win-win situation.