Get On The Joe Train!

American rail transit hasn't been doing so well for the past four decades or so. Despite heavy federal subsidies, ridership on Amtrak is still pathetically low by international standards. Some cynics have even questioned the merit of keeping the ailing passenger rail network on life support.

Fortunately, Amtrak has a friend in high places. Since the day he landed in office, Vice President and Chief Train Enthusiast Joe Biden has become the official champion of Amtrak. And a few days ago, in the digital pages of the Huffington Post, Biden delivered a fresh argument in favor of keeping Amtrak around for future generations to enjoy (and pay for):

When I took the train every night--and I still do whenever possible--I always noticed the lights on in the houses flickering in the passing neighborhoods, dotting the landscape speeding by my window. Moms and dads were at their kitchen table, talking after they put their kids to bed. Like Americans everywhere, they were asking questions as profound as they are ordinary: Should Mom move in with us now that Dad is gone? How are we going to pay the heating bills? Did you hear the company may be cutting our health care? Now that we owe more on the house than it's worth, how are we going to send the kids to college? How are we going be able to retire?

I would look out the window and hear their questions, feel their pain. And every time I made that trip, it would inspire me to get up the next day, head back down to Washington, and give them the answers they're looking for. Those moments looking out the window and seeing the lights on, they told me things that the briefing folders in front of me never could.

Residents of the Wilmington-DC corridor must sleep soundly at night with the knowledge that Joe Biden is gazing lovingly into their windows, feeling their pain. If only more Americans would ditch their four-wheeled monstrosities and choose rail transit. Trains alone have the power to inspire the children of today to become the Joe Bidens of tomorrow.

Of course, there is a semi-serious argument embedded in Biden's nostalgic trip down the tracks. Namely, that rail transit is "a powerful and indispensable way to carry us all into a leaner, cleaner, greener 21st century." To prove his point, Biden notes the importance of rail transit in a densely populated stretch of the East Coast:

Consider that if you shut down Amtrak's Northeast Corridor, it is estimated that to compensate for the loss, you'd have to add seven new lanes of highway to Interstate 95. When you consider that it costs an average of $30 million for one linear mile of one lane of highway, you see what a sound investment rail travel is. And that's before you factor in the environmental benefits of keeping millions and millions of cars off the road.

While this is certainly true, it's also true that the majority of Amtrak passengers are concentrated along the Northeast Corridor. In almost every other part of the country, rail travel simply isn't a part of everyday life. Americans love their cars, regardless of whether they're going five blocks down the street or across the country on an epic journey to find themselves. There's a reason why you don't see a whole lot of teen train-trip movies.

On paper, rail transit has benefits. But that doesn't mean squat unless people actually use it. Fortunately, with a spokesman like Joe Biden, it's only a matter of time before good Americans realize the error of their ways and embrace the true power of the train.

Open Letters To Random Public Figures At The Dawn Of A New Year, 2009 Edition.

Dear Barack Obama,

Millions of starry-eyed Americans voted for you in '08. Some of them were impressed with your fancy talk. Others liked the fact that you weren't George W. Bush. But mainly they just thought you would grow a beard in office.

Alas, a year has gone by, and your countenance is as hairless as one of those hideous dogs you sometimes see in books on freakish animals. If you really want to honor the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, put your face where your mouth is.

There's still time. Time to put facial hair back on the presidential map. Time to inspire a new generation to aspire to bearded greatness. It's all within your grasp.

Just do it.

Dear Tiger Woods,

You are probably still an excellent golfer. I can respect that. In fact, there are many things about you we can all respect. Like your ability to golf! But I already mentioned that. Also, you have lots of money. Many people would enjoy having as much money as you have. You could buy the best Lego set ever! Twice!

So, cheer up. Things can always be worse than they are. You are not dead or homeless, which is more than I can say about any number of dead or homeless people. And when was the last time a bear attacked you? A bear attack is the ultimate bad thing that can happen to someone -- and it hasn't even happened to you.

People are like ugly goldfish. With time, they'll forget all of your personal transgressions. Just ask that one guy.

Dear Sarah Palin,

Please, no. No.

NO.

Dear Glenn Beck,

I remember the good times. You were like the hilarious uncle that everyone wanted to hug with their laughter. Then, Obama came, and something changed. Now you're more like the scary uncle who frightens the children with racist conspiracy theories.

We want the old Glenn back.

You can start by simply calming down. If Obama is destroying America, why is food still so delicious? It just doesn't add up. Embrace life, and weep no more.

Dear Pixar,

You are awesome. But in these times of austerity and sacrifice, don't you think it's time to share the awesome?

Think about it: if you merely donated 5% of your awesome to lesser movie studios, you could raise Hollywood's total awesome quotient (TAQ) by 500%.

This is actual math.

Dear Jim Lehrer,

It's the beginning of a new decade. And you remain on TV. That's something to think about.

Fifty years ago, no one would have imagined that a Muppet could become one of the longest-running news anchors in America. But despite your stiff, mechanical movements, and crudely designed, white-less eyes, you've managed to outlast your human competition.

It's true that no one under, over, or at the age of 20 watches you anymore. But compared to the rest of the Muppets, you've done very well for yourself. The direct-to-video movies? That Christmas Special? Those terrible commercials? The short-lived association with Long John Silver's? Oy.

So, thank you. Thank you for showing the children of America that you don't need a beating heart to touch the heart of a nation.

Everything In Its Place.

Nancy Pelosi is ticked off at Republicans again. This time, it's because they're so very sexist.

After Pelosi suggested Monday that the public was wary of sending more troops to Afghanistan -- and that McChrystal's recommendation to President Obama for more troops "should go up the line of command" rather than be aired in "press conferences" -- the National Republican Congressional Committee issued a mocking press release titled "General Pelosi Knows Better, Slams McChrystal."

"If Nancy Pelosi's failed economic policies are any indicator of the effect she may have on Afghanistan, taxpayers can only hope McChrystal is able to put her in her place," concluded the release, setting off a barrage of criticism from Democrats and liberal blogs that the GOP was employing sexist rhetoric.

Pelosi herself weighed in Thursday at her weekly press briefing.

"It's really sad they really don't understand how inappropriate that is," Pelosi said. "I'm in my place -- I'm the Speaker of the House, the first woman Speaker of the House, and I'm in my place because the House of Representatives voted me there. But that language is something I haven't heard in decades."

Nancy Pelosi took the NRCC's statement to mean she needed to be put in her place as a woman. But that's obviously not what the NRCC meant.

Stanley McChrystal is a general in the U.S. Army. He thinks we should put more troops in Afghanistan.

Nancy Pelosi is a politician. She thinks he's wrong.

When the NRCC says that McChrystal should put Pelosi "in her place," they're saying they want McChrystal to remind Pelosi that, as a military official, he knows a thing or two about military policy. And to make that point crystal clear, the NRCC encapsulated it in the press release's title: "General Pelosi knows better, slams McChrystal."

The issue isn't whether a woman can be speaker of the house. It's whether the speaker of the house should pretend to be a general.

Pelosi is smart enough to know this. But phony outrage over non-existent sexism is much more fun than real debate.

A Thought.

If Roman Polanski were a plumber from Hoboken, who would be petitioning for his release?

Justice is supposed to be blind. Being a creative genius isn't grounds for clemency. Neither is being a holocaust survivor.

Some situations are complicated; this one isn't. Polanski committed a terrible crime, and admitted his guilt. He should be punished. Justice delayed is better than no justice at all.

An Olympic Blunder?

President Obama is dealing with a sophmore slump in his freshmen year.

Iran is testing missiles and developing nukes. Afghanistan is a quagmire. Solid Democratic majorities in both houses of Congress are incapable of passing healthcare legislation. Nobody knows what to do with all the scary people in Gitmo.

And in the midst of it all, Obama's once-soaring poll numbers are starting to fall to the earth. If Rush Limbaugh wants Obama to fail, it looks like he's getting his wish.

Obama needs to score a feel-good win to prevent his presidency from looking like an epic fail.

This Friday, he plans on doing just that. In a historically unprecedented move, Obama will personally lobby the Internatioal Olympic Comittee to bring the 2016 Olympics to Chicago.

If Obama succeeds, his position as the darling of the world will be solidified, and Americans will have a little piece of positive news to cling to.

But what if he fails?

Fair or not, there's no doubt that Obama will be skewered if Chicago fails to bring home the athletic bacon. Obama sold himself as a guy who could magically make the world give America a big hug. If the Olympic committee gives Chi-town the cold shoulder, his international star power will look a bit faded.

And Chicago definitely has problems. Its famous public transit system is falling apart, high profile acts of violence are rocking its troubled neighborhoods, and The Honorable Rod Blagojevich is now a national symbol of Chicago corruption.

To top it all off, Rio De Janeiro has long been the assumed frontrunner in the Olympic race. Will the Olympic overlords really refuse to give up-and-coming Brazil its first shot at hosting the games?

Something tells me that Obama wouldn't be jetting out to Copenhagen unless he had assurance of success. Then again, he may just be audaciously hoping to melt the hearts of the IOC members.

For America's sake, here's hoping the president doesn't fall flat on his face. In these times of general woe, our country could use a few scraps of superficial prestige.

Racists With Racist Charges Of Racism.

Is it racist to call Obama a racist? According to lots of liberal commentators, the answer is yes. Ever since Glen Beck proclaimed that Obama harbors a "deep-seated hatred for white people," the statement has been used as exhibit A in the ongoing effort to portray conservatives as racists.

But this raises a few questions. Is it ever appropriate for a white guy to accuse a non-white guy of racism? What if the non-white guy is actually racist? And is there really anything inherently racist in a charge of racism?

Obama was raised by white folks. Most of his closest advisors are white. The idea that Obama hates white people is laughable. But lots of people are stupidly accused of racism. When Bob Herbert, a black columnist, accuses white conservatives of being driven by racism, I think he's wrong. But I don't think he's racist.

Isn't it possible that Glen Beck's stupid and incoherent statement was just a stupid and incoherent statement?

Drinking Their Troubles Away.

It's finally here! The moment we've all been waiting for in breathless anticipation!

The beer summit.

For two weeks, America has been enthralled by the epic racial drama that began with a 9-11 call, and ended with the arrest of a prominent black professor who just happened to be buddies with the prez.

Liberals decried the "racially motivated" actions of Jim Crowley, the police officer who put professor Henry Louis Gates in handcuffs. Conservatives pinned the blame on Gates, attempting to portray him as a racialist black-power nutcase.

Obama added fuel to the fire when he asserted that the police acted "stupidly." Later, the president tried to soften his statement. But it was too late -- commentators already had all the fodder they needed to create a delightful storm of made-for-cable-news controversy.

But now, it will all come to an end, as Obama The Uniter descends from his lofty throne to reconcile both sides of the conflict. Tonight, Crowley, Gates, and Obama will gather 'round a picnic table outside the White House, drink beer, and learn a valuable lesson about tolerance.

But there's another lesson that can be learned from the Gates-Crowley affair, and it has nothing to do with race-relations in America. It's a lesson about how the media can turn a meaningless series of unfortunate events into a public issue that everyone needs to care about.

Henry Louis Gates was an intellectual who lost his house key.

Jim Crowley was a police officer responding to a call about a break-in.

Gates was understandably upset that Crowley suspected him of breaking into his own home. He made a scene. Crowley was understandably upset about being chewed out by Gates. He arrested him for disorderly conduct.

Afterwards, Gates was promptly released.

The story was newsworthy, because Gates is a public figure. But it wasn't a story of all-consuming importance. At best, it was an odd story about a semi-famous person in a strange situation. It deserved a short blurb, and nothing more.

But Gates' racial interpretation of the event was too juicy to ignore, and two weeks later, a Rasmussen poll shows that 75% of Americans are still following the story "somewhat closely."

Oh well. Nothing washes away the flavor of legislative gridlock and plummeting approval ratings like knocking back a few cold ones with a cop and a seriously ticked-off academic.

King County: The Final Frontier.

He's a man with a plan for King County.

His plan involves sky homes. Tall, tall sky homes.

And please, don't call him Michael Nelson.

"It's Goodspaceguy," he reminds me, as he signs a release form.

"There are over 50,000 Michael Nelsons in the United States. But I googled a bunch of space-related names, and no one else was using Goodspaceguy."

Legally, only his middle name has been changed to Goodspaceguy. But who cares? He is Goodspaceguy, he's running for King County Executive -- and it's time for his close-up.

Goodspaceguy is now sitting in a studio at KCTS Channel 9, Seattle's PBS station. From my vantage point in the control room, he looks very pleased with himself. Three cameras are fixed on him. A man is applying powder to his almost-completely-bald head. It'll reduce the glare. His face breaks into an impish grin.

"I was in Los Angeles sitting in the audience for the making of an entertainment show, and during the breaks, people would pop up and put make-up on the people on stage. But now I'm the one getting powdered."

Triumph.

As a libertarian without any government experience -- and an outspoken advocate for a mass-exodus to orbiting space colonies -- Seattle hasn't always been so kind to Goodspaceguy. As he bitterly noted in a posting on his blog:

"This is the tenth time that I, Goodspaceguy, am a candidate for public office, but I am slammed back; I am censored; I am not allowed to speak."

But now, he is being allowed to speak. And he does.

He mainly speaks about economics. In fact, he makes it clear that he considers himself to be an economist, prefacing his statements with an authoritative, "as an economist, I..."

In Goodspaceguy's estimation, the economy has been sabotaged by everyone, including "the people." He compares King County planners to Soviet officials, and rails against the minimum wage.

The picture he paints has dire overtones: "Government is taking a sledgehammer and beating the people in this country," Goodspaceguy says.

Crime, he insists, is an economic problem. If a gang member got a job, his peers would follow his example, and become productive members of society. It's that simple.

Traffic congestion will soon be a thing of the past, thanks to "sky homes." You know, like the ones they have in Vancouver, Canada. If there are many sky homes, people can live near their work, and won't have to drive. Yes.

Goodspaceguy compares the citizens of King County to a big family; a part of the larger human family that currently inhabits "spaceship earth." He says that we should strive to increase our knowledge. And we should have more free parking.

Then, it's all over.

But I'm not satisfied. Goodspaceguy's signature issue -- man's galactic future -- wasn't even touched on. And there are so many questions left to ask. So many that must be asked.

So, I caught Goodspaceguy in the hallway, and asked him if he had time to answer a few more questions. He had time.

I began with a search for Goodspaceguy's philosophical roots.

"You refer to yourself as an economist. What other economists have influenced your thought -- which ones do you agree with?"

He couldn't think of any. He only reads introductory textbooks, because they give you a "broad perspective."

Disappointed, I changed the subject.

"In economics, it's assumed that people always pursue their own interests. Why would people want to go to live in orbiting space colonies?"

He acknowledged that there will be challenges. But the end-result will be inevitable.

"At first, few will come. Then more, and more, and more, as (the colonies) become nicer."

According to Goodspaceguy, the orbiting space colonies will be gigantic. But he doesn't plan on abandoning good ol' Earth:

"I want to make Earth into a paradise," he says in a reassuring voice.

So far, so good. But why orbiting space colonies? Couldn't we build space colonies the old fashioned way -- on the ground? On Mars, perhaps?

It all comes down to gravity. Because the orbiting space colonies will be able to spin at variable speeds, they'll also be able to generate the same level of gravity found on Earth.

In the world of Goodspaceguy, everyone is divided into two classes: the ground-huggers, and the enlightened few. Ground-huggers go about their daily lives, raising children, and working normal jobs. They aren't evil -- but they aren't able to grasp the higher truths of existence. And sometimes, their ignorance leads them astray.

"I think it was the ground-huggers that supported Hitler," Goodspaceguy says.

Goodspaceguy is not a ground-hugger.

But if mankind's future is in the stars, why was he silent about it during his interview in the studio?

"A lot of people aren't educated about it, so I don't talk as much about it as I could," Goodspaceguy says.

"If you were to tell people in the past about the way things are now, people would think you're crazy. They'd think it was lunacy," he quickly adds.

Fair enough.

Freakin' Idiots!

If confirmed, Sonia Sotomayor would be the first Latina on the Supreme Court. Her story is inspiring: She grew up in a poor neighborhood in the Bronx, but managed to rise through the Ivy League and into a seat on one of the highest courts in the land.

Barack Obama boasts that she has a "common touch," and that her life experiences will help her make compassionate decisions.

But sadly, Sotomayor has chosen to ignore the needs of our nation's most persecuted minority group: Nerd-Americans.

Thousands of Nerd-Americans depend on nunchaku -- combined with ninja-like reflexes -- to floor attackers many times their size. But New York law bans the possession of nunchaku, or "chuka sticks," leaving Nerd-Americans in the state defenseless against muggings and epic wedgies.

For a brief moment, there was hope. James Maloney, a proud defender of the ancient nunchaku tradition, challenged the constitutionality of New York's oppressive law.

The case was callously dismissed by a district court.

In his time of need, he turned to the Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit. A panel of three justices, including Sotomayor, examined his case. They had a chance to right a grievous wrong, and strike a blow for Nerd-rights everywhere.

And yet, they chose to turn Maloney away, like some kind of hideous legal puppy that no one could love.

In their ruling, Sotomayor and her cronies asserted that the Second Amendment didn't apply to the states, making his complaint invalid.

But they didn't stop there. Instead, Sotomayor & Co. decided to slander the art of nunchaku-wielding by repeating a torrent of fear-mongering that would make Janet Napolitano blush:

The legislative history of section 265.00 makes plain that the ban on possession of nunchakus imposed by section 265.01(1) is supported by a rational basis. Indeed, as Appellant concedes, when the statute was under consideration, various parties submitted statements noting the highly dangerous nature of nunchakus. For example, New York’s Attorney General, Louis J. Lefkowitz, asserted that nunchakus “ha[ve] apparently been widely used by muggers and street gangs and ha[ve] been the cause of many serious injuries.” Mem. from Attorney Gen. Louis J. Lefkowitz to the Governor (Apr. 8, 1974). And the sponsor of the bill, Richard Ross, stated that “[w]ith a minimum amount of practice, [the nunchaku] may be effectively used as a garrote, bludgeon, thrusting or striking device. The [nunchaku] is designed primarily as a weapon and has no purpose other than to maim or, in some instances, kill.” See N.Y. Penal Law § 265.00, practice commentary, definitions (“Chuka stick”) (quoting Letter of Assemblyman Richard C. Ross to the Counsel to the Governor (1974)).

Shame on you, Sotomayor. Shame on you, New York. America was founded on the belief that every man had the right to disable his foes with the Japanese weapon of his choosing. But as soon as your nerdophobic tendencies kick in, none of that matters to you.

As a Supreme Court justice, you'll have a chance to redeem yourself. You'll have another shot at forming an alliance with the Nerd-American community.

If you reject them, don't come crying to me when a chaotic elven wizard inflicts 30 points of damage on you with his rod of shadows.

Indecent Psychological Exposure?

Every month or so, conservatives find a new what-the-heck-is-wrong-with-England story to shake their heads at.

Kids having babies.

Sharia law becoming civil law.

And now this: Conservative talk-show host Michael Savage has been officially banned from England. According to Jaqui Smith, the director of the British Home Office, his presence in merry olde England would "cause inter-community tension or even violence."

Really?

Savage is a provocative guy. He gets angry -- a lot. And naturally, he has more than his share of detractors. But he isn't in the habit of commanding his listeners to commit acts of violence. Love him or hate him, grouping Savage with neo-Nazis and Islamic terrorists is absurd.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that this move has more to do with punishing someone for holding unpopular (i.e. unacceptable) views than it does with maintaining public tranquility.

Still, England's seeming censorship of Savage is only the latest sad chapter in the larger story of England's weak stance on the freedom of speech. Due to libel laws that are weighted against defendants, England is being used as an international center for the censorship of controversial material:

While in the United States the plaintiff must prove that the claims against him are false, in English law the defendants' claims are presumed false until proven otherwise: he has to demonstrate his innocence. If his defence fails, he must pay both costs and damages. The plaintiff's lawyers make little attempt to limit their costs: the partners at one well-known firm charge £750 an hour. The bill can rise to millions.

Perhaps you don't live in England or Wales, so you think this has nothing to do with you. You're wrong. English libel law now applies to everyone on Earth. Make any accusation, anywhere in the world, and if the subject can demonstrate that a single person in England or Wales has read it, you could be sued here for every penny, cent, rouble, rupee or renminbi you possess. The internet and the global nature of publishing ensure that these medieval laws have become the most powerful extra-territorial legislation ever drafted.

In other words, if you write something controversial about someone in America, and someone can read it in England, they can come after you. In response to the growth of British "libel tourism," Congress is considering a bill that would prevent the enforcement of foreign libel judgements that violate the 1st amendment. A good move -- but it won't help blacklisted Savage.

If the Obama administration has any guts, it should step up to defend one of our country's most prominent voices. What ever happened to "I may disagree with what you have to say -- but I'll defend to the death your right to say it"?

One Lump, Or Two?

The formula for a protest is simple:

You hold a sign adorned with an angry political message.

People who disagree with your message feel mad inside.
Sometimes, they argue with you.

People who agree with your message feel happy inside.
Sometimes, they give you high-fives.

If there are enough people holding signs with you, a TV crew arrives.
A 30 second clip of angry sign-wavers appears on the six o' clock news.

The tea party protests didn't deviate from the formula. But it seems that some people were unfamiliar with the whole protest thing.

An indignant Huffington Post featured a slideshow of the "ten most offensive" signs from the tea party protests. A couple of them -- gasp! -- compared Obama to Hitler!

Can you imagine? Comparing an American president to Hitler! At a protest!

Oh, the horror of it all.

After CNN reporter Susan Roesgen failed at sharing the stimulus gospel with a protestor, she noted the "anti-government" tone of the protest, and announced that it wasn't appropriate for "family viewing."

Indeed. Keep airing that garbage, and babies will start opposing redistributionary tax policies.

Were there some ignorant, angry people at the tea party protests? Yes. But nobody should come to a protest expecting a university lecture on political philosophy. A protest is a magical time when a bunch of people get mad at something together. Ugliness happens.

Arrr.

Pirates are back.

Like the pirates of old, modern pirates are no laughing matter. They plunder, kidnap, and in some cases, kill. And from the looks of things, the civilized world doesn't seem to know what to do with them.

What can be done?

The Wall Street Journal's Bret Stephens has a novel idea from the past: kill 'em.

By the 18th century, pirates knew exactly where they stood in relation to the law. A legal dictionary of the day spelled it out: "A piracy attempted on the Ocean, if the Pirates are overcome, the Takers may immediately inflict a Punishment by hanging them up at the Main-yard End; though this is understood where no legal judgment may be obtained."

Severe as the penalty may now seem (albeit necessary, since captured pirates were too dangerous to keep aboard on lengthy sea voyages), it succeeded in mostly eliminating piracy by the late 19th century -- a civilizational achievement no less great than the elimination of smallpox a century later.

Unfortunately, duking it out with pirates on the high seas isn't always a viable option. The Gulf of Aden, the locus of current pirate activity, is a major transportation corridor for oil. When pirates attempt to hijack a tanker full of flammable gold, engaging in a firefight may not have pleasant consequences. In any case, once pirates have captured a vessel, military action will probably end in the death of innocent hostages.

I'm not an expert on the issue, but I'm guessing that if we want to take out the bad guys, the fight will have to take place on land. As long as pirates can take refuge in Eyl, and other lawless Somali cities, they'll keep coming back for booty. Whether anyone has the will to engage in a messy ground conflict in Somalia is another question.

The Audacity Of Giving Crappy Gifts To British People.

When Barack Obama gave Gordon Brown a set of 25 popular American films on DVD, people were puzzled. The dour English PM isn't known for his love of American cinema.

It didn't help that the ill-fated discs were region-coded for U.S. playback, making them as useless as bagels in British DVD players.

Now, thanks to Barack Obama, Queen Elizabeth will be sporting a shiny new iPod, loaded with videos of... herself.

Yeah.

In most situations, an iPod makes an awesome gift. I highly suggest that you buy me at least two. But for the Queen of England?

Obama can do better than this. However, it appears that he needs a bit of help. Fortunately, I'm willing to place my vast knowledge of British stereotypes at his disposal.

This is an exhaustive list of things that British people like:

- Tea.
- Biscuits and/or Scones.
- Small cars.
- Witty butlers.
- Poor dental care.

Take note, Mr. President. We can't afford another 1812.

Drive-By Democrats.

As my last post demonstrated, I'm not a fan of Rush Limbaugh.

Or at least, not of his style.

But to be fair and balanced, I'll say this: the Democratic Party's bizarre Limbaugh-fixation is petty and cowardly.

Rush Limbaugh isn't an elected official. He isn't the leader of the Republican Party, even though many Republicans happen to agree with him. When Limbaugh says something offensive, Republicans aren't obligated to denounce him.

Setting up a controversial talk-show host as a punching bag is diversionary politics at its worst. As Karl Rove inappropriately put it: "In the face of our enormous economic challenges, top White House aides decided to pee on Mr. Limbaugh's leg."

And the DNC's latest anti-Limbaugh stunt is simply idiotic:

(From CNN)

National Democrats plan to unveil a new theme Thursday in their ongoing campaign to portray conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh as the true leader of the Republican Party.

The slogan, "Americans didn't vote for a Rush to failure," will be splashed across a billboard in Limbaugh's hometown of West Palm Beach, Florida, and printed on T-shirts, a Democratic National Committee official told CNN.

Limbaugh has said several times that he hopes President Barack Obama fails, a sentiment that has put elected Republicans in a tight spot during the nation's economic crisis.

The official said more than 80,000 slogans were submitted as part of a contest on the DNC's Web site, and more than 50,000 people helped narrow the list to the top five.

Ha! Taste the wrath of our mediocre puns!

The Rick Warren Nontroversy.

It's been almost a month since Obama announced that evangelical megastar Rick Warren would deliver his inaugural invocation. Some people are still mad. But what exactly are they mad about?

Most of Rick Warren's detractors cite his conservative views on gay marriage, including his support for California's proposition 8, as well as his religious beliefs concerning the immorality of homosexual behavior. For many liberal Democrats, these views are simply beyond the realm of acceptability. They applaud Obama's incessant talk of bridging the divide between the right and the left, but offering the spotlight to a "divisive bigot" like Rick Warren is apparently a bridge too far.

Outside of the liberal bubble, things look a little different. While gay marriage is a polarizing issue, it's far less polarizing than many assume. In contrast to the recent failures of two ballot initiatives banning abortion in conservative South Dakota, gay marriage bans have been almost universally successful in states across America. And as proposition 8's victory in deep-blue California proves, opponents of gay marriage aren't defined by party lines. In many cases, America's diversity works to the disadvantage of the "gay rights" lobby. Members of racial minorities may vote overwhelmingly for Democratic candidates, but many hold the same conservative views on homosexuality and gay marriage that white evangelicals like Rick Warren espouse.

Same-sex marriage certainly doesn't face same-sect opposition.

But you could throw all that out the window, and the uproar surrounding Rick Warren's selection would still be ridiculous. Just in case anyone missed it, Barack Obama never supported gay marriage in the first place. Sure, he doesn't believe that homosexuality itself is sinful, or support constitutional amendments banning gay marriage, but when it came to the biggest political issue on the "gay agenda", Obama refused to explicitly give his blessing. Instead, Obama repeatedly expressed his belief that "marriage is between a man and a woman." 

This isn't a case of betrayal. This is a case of a mainstream politician who took a mainstream stance on gay marriage and selected a mainstream pastor to say a nice little prayer at his inauguration.

Nothing else.

Open Letters To Random Public Figures At The Dawn Of A New Year.

Dear Barack Obama,

Please don't screw everything up.
Please.

Dear George W. Bush,

People are always saying mean things about you, but deep down inside, they're just jealous that you got to be president and they didn't. You're not really like Hitler, are you? I mean, you don't even have a mustache. Which, by the way, is something you should definitely consider growing. You have less than a month left in office, and everyone is shunning you. What do you have to lose? Growing a mustache would transform you into a legend, like bigfoot, or that dancing guy on YouTube. And given the complete intolerance for presidential facial hair that has prevailed throughout the last 100 years, your upper-lip warmer would strike a blow for facial freedom that would resound for decades to come. Please George, do it for the children.

Dear Sarah Palin,

A little bit of ambition can be a great thing. Too much ambition, on the other hand, can lead to bad things. Like being stabbed by your friends en-masse on the Ides of March. You don't want that to happen, do you? Alaska is a nice place. Why don't you just stay there? In Washington DC, they don't even let you hunt mooses. Heck, they don't even have mooses.

It's a hellhole, Sarah. Let the elites have it.

Dear Mike Huckabee,

I've never seen your TV show, but just thinking about the fact that you have a TV show makes me feel inexplicably happy. On a vaguely related note, you should start endorsing products. I would definitely buy Huckabee biscuit mix -- and I don't even normally buy biscuit mix! Think about it: you could be the white male Aunt Jemima of biscuits. It almost makes the presidency sound pathetic in comparison.

Dear Osama Bin Laden,

I know you don't like Americans very much, but really, we aren't that bad. Have you ever had a chocolate chip cookie? We invented those. They're basically little circles of condensed joy. Of course, they have to be fresh from the oven if you want to experience them in their full glory, but even a bag of "Famous Amos" will do in a pinch. Seriously, you should try some. And maybe rethink that whole "death to America" thing.

Dear Kim Jong Il,

Are you still alive? If not, can I have your gerbil? It would mean a lot to me.

If you are still alive, please die. You're kind of a terrible person, and I really want that gerbil. Thanks.

Dear American Capitalism,

Please don't leave. We still love you! Some may complain about your so-called "excesses," but I don't see anything wrong with a small group of people becoming very rich, and then squandering their wealth on gold-plated ice cream and bad mortgages. Without the zany antics of irresponsible rich people, the world would be as boring as Imperial Margarine. And just between you and me, I'm not a big fan of your cousin, European Socialism. He may give everyone medicine for free, and feed homeless kittens, but he's still a smug, self-righteous jerk. Don't even get me started on those taxes of his. Anyways, just hang in there. If you survive to annoy just one more French person, it'll be worth it.

Calories We Can Believe In.

Add this to your list of good things about Obama: his abiding love for the Hawaiian plate lunch. For those who may be unfamiliar with this magical combination of fat, starch, and protein, the plate lunch is the undisputed king of all bad-for-you regional cuisine. While variations abound, the classic Hawaiian plate lunch consists of a slab of greasy meat, two scoops of rice, and a heaping scoop of mayo-drenched mac salad, crammed onto an irresistible styrofoam platter. Translation: it's the best thing ever. And according to an article in the New York Times, Hawaii's beloved culinary creation may find itself thrust onto the national stage:

AMONG the myriad people and institutions predicted to profit from Barack Obama’s victory, why has no one cited the plate lunch?

This traditional Hawaiian meal — validated as fine fare by the president-elect when he proclaimed his longing for one during a vacation in Oahu last summer — might be poised to enter the consciousness of mainlanders in all of its fatty, greasy deliciousness.

It all seems like odd fare for a man as bookmark-thin as Mr. Obama, who seems to treasure his treadmill. “I think it is really funny he still eats plate lunch,” Ms. Philpotts said. “Because he is so healthy.”

But she strongly suggested — at least to my ears — that the plate lunch in part accounts for his strong showing in Hawaii. “I think it is because when he comes back here he is so cool, he just kind of slips back into local ways.”

If only Obama would use his stature to encourage L&L to expand into the midwest. A slight bump in national obesity levels would be a small price to pay for so much food-induced happiness.  

VOTE FOR OBAMA AND WIN A FREE IPOD!!!!

In recent weeks, endorsing Barack Obama has gained popularity as a simple, flavorful way for conservative pundits to spice up their faltering careers.

Never one to buck trends, I feel strangely compelled to join in.

So, here's my friendly election advice: if you vote for one presidential candidate this year, make it Barack Obama.

Please?

Yeah, I know he's the most liberal guy in the Senate. I'm also aware of the fact that he hasn't really accomplished anything beyond winning elections. And sure, he's on the wrong of side of the biggest moral issue facing our country.

Those are all important things to take into consideration, of course.

But not the most important things.

Whenever you size up two presidential candidates, there's only one question you really need to ask yourself: who's going to give me more stuff?

As far as I'm concerned, the answer is clearly Barack Obama.

Senator Obama shares my outrage over rich people making so much money. Why should some evil, cigar-chomping CEO get a million smackers a year, while noble students like myself live below the poverty line? Clearly, this abominable gap between the haves and the have-nots must be eradicated. I may not actually contribute anything to the economy, but I still deserve a larger slice of the American pie. Obama will gladly serve it to me on a biodegradable, corn-based platter.

As a native of the American university system, Obama also understands the deep injustice of college tuition payments. In a modern nation, college should be free, like rainbows and laughter. I shouldn't be forced to toil within the bowels of academia for half a decade, only to be handed a bill at the end. Obama promises to remove this oppressive financial burden from my shoulders, and banish it to the realm of darkness forevermore. Yes, there is such a thing as a free lunch -- and it's incredibly delicious.

Does Obama want to spread Joe the plumber's wealth around?

Maybe.

But as long as I get a decent chunk of it, you won't hear me complaining.

Vote Obama: if you're not rich, he'll give you lots of shiny things.

Say It Ain't So, Joe.

In little more than two weeks, our country will choose its next president. 

Big things are on the line:

Global security.

Economic health.

Entitlements.

Supreme Court justices.

And a lot more.

Unfortunately, none of those things can hold a candle to a plumber named Joe. 

 After enduring the scrutiny of the national press, we now know that Joe is not a licensed plumber, and owes back taxes. Democrats -- including Joe Biden -- have attacked his credibility, while McCain continues to use him as a campaign centerpiece. 

"Joe the plumber" confronted Obama with a provocative question regarding taxes, and there was nothing wrong with McCain picking up on it to illustrate a larger point. But when an illustration becomes a distraction, it's time to move on. 

Thanks for yet another mindless media circus. 

Can we get back to the issues now?

The Other White Guy.

Amidst all the commotion over pigs wearing makeup, bridges to nowhere, and teen pregnancy, it seems that one little fact has been lost in the shuffle:

Barack Obama also has a running mate.

His name is Joe Biden. Remember him? He's the guy who called Barack Obama "the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy". This is a big deal, because, as Joe Biden put it, "that's a story book, man."

Indeed, Joe Biden is an awesome person, and not just because he says hilariously inappropriate things. For starters, he's old and white -- just like McCain! He also sits on a bunch of Senate committees, and can often be seen talking about important stuff on C-span.

In other words, he's a part of what Obama likes to call "the broken Washington system".

But don't worry: Biden is a good part of the bad system. As a Democrat, Joe Biden is clearly free of the tainted politics of the past. Partisanship is a Republican invention, created by the neo-con overlords to hide their diabolical schemes from the eyes of the American people.

Democrats, including our beloved Joe Biden, never bought into it for a second.

Instead, they've spent their years in congress fighting for down-to-earth blue collar folks who live in trailers and work in coal mines and/or toothpaste factories. Those are the hard working Americans that lie at the heart of our nation; the people you sometimes see in National Geographic photo essays on the American spirit.

Those are the people that raised Joe Biden.

Unlike John McCain, who was born into a life of luxury, Joe Biden started life as a wretched Irish kid in Scranton PA. Yes, that Scranton. Throughout Biden's childhood, his hard-working parents instilled sturdy American values into his young mind. He would never forget his mother's creed:

"No one is better than you. Everyone is your equal, and everyone is equal to you."

These are the redundant words that drive Joe Biden to fight for equality, people being equal, and everyone being treated the same. And you can bet your weight in rusty quarters that Vice President Biden will bring this good fight to the highest corridors of power.

No, Joe Biden isn't a woman, and has never field dressed a moose. 
Yes, most people don't seem to care that he's on Barack's ticket. 

But that doesn't make Joe Biden any less of a winner.

He may not have Sarah Palin's "buzz". He may not draw Sarah Palin's crowds. But he has something that she'll never have:

Hair plugs.

Verily, the true meaning of the American dream.