Open Letters To Random Public Figures At The Dawn Of A New Year.

Dear Barack Obama,

Please don't screw everything up.
Please.

Dear George W. Bush,

People are always saying mean things about you, but deep down inside, they're just jealous that you got to be president and they didn't. You're not really like Hitler, are you? I mean, you don't even have a mustache. Which, by the way, is something you should definitely consider growing. You have less than a month left in office, and everyone is shunning you. What do you have to lose? Growing a mustache would transform you into a legend, like bigfoot, or that dancing guy on YouTube. And given the complete intolerance for presidential facial hair that has prevailed throughout the last 100 years, your upper-lip warmer would strike a blow for facial freedom that would resound for decades to come. Please George, do it for the children.

Dear Sarah Palin,

A little bit of ambition can be a great thing. Too much ambition, on the other hand, can lead to bad things. Like being stabbed by your friends en-masse on the Ides of March. You don't want that to happen, do you? Alaska is a nice place. Why don't you just stay there? In Washington DC, they don't even let you hunt mooses. Heck, they don't even have mooses.

It's a hellhole, Sarah. Let the elites have it.

Dear Mike Huckabee,

I've never seen your TV show, but just thinking about the fact that you have a TV show makes me feel inexplicably happy. On a vaguely related note, you should start endorsing products. I would definitely buy Huckabee biscuit mix -- and I don't even normally buy biscuit mix! Think about it: you could be the white male Aunt Jemima of biscuits. It almost makes the presidency sound pathetic in comparison.

Dear Osama Bin Laden,

I know you don't like Americans very much, but really, we aren't that bad. Have you ever had a chocolate chip cookie? We invented those. They're basically little circles of condensed joy. Of course, they have to be fresh from the oven if you want to experience them in their full glory, but even a bag of "Famous Amos" will do in a pinch. Seriously, you should try some. And maybe rethink that whole "death to America" thing.

Dear Kim Jong Il,

Are you still alive? If not, can I have your gerbil? It would mean a lot to me.

If you are still alive, please die. You're kind of a terrible person, and I really want that gerbil. Thanks.

Dear American Capitalism,

Please don't leave. We still love you! Some may complain about your so-called "excesses," but I don't see anything wrong with a small group of people becoming very rich, and then squandering their wealth on gold-plated ice cream and bad mortgages. Without the zany antics of irresponsible rich people, the world would be as boring as Imperial Margarine. And just between you and me, I'm not a big fan of your cousin, European Socialism. He may give everyone medicine for free, and feed homeless kittens, but he's still a smug, self-righteous jerk. Don't even get me started on those taxes of his. Anyways, just hang in there. If you survive to annoy just one more French person, it'll be worth it.

Just A Little Bit Of Harmless Corruption.

When a Senate seat is vacated, it's always tough for the governor saddled with the task of finding a new person to fill it. The concerns of competing interest groups must be balanced, and possible charges of cronyism and nepotism must be avoided. For Governor Rod Blagojevich of Illinois, the challenge was especially daunting, given the stature of the seat's previous occupant.

Fortunately, resourceful Rod drew up an elegant solution to the problem: handing out the seat to whoever gave him the most money.

The plan was almost perfect, except for two little things: it was illegal, and evil.

Now, the FBI has gone and spoiled everything. I guess he should have just stuck with the coin toss.

The Same Old Change.

In the aftermath of Barack Obama's election, partisan pundits immediately declared that the American people were on their side, and ordered the President-Elect to act accordingly. Giddy liberals crowed about the death of American conservatism. In their estimation, Obama had won a mandate to transform the good ol' U.S.A. into the socialist paradise of their dreams. Conservatives, for their part, maintained that America was still a pretty conservative place, and that Obama should play it safe.

Sorry liberals, but it looks like Obama seems to agree with the other side. Kind of.

For all his failings, Obama is smart enough to know that Americans want policies that actually work. Which is why you won't see Obama making any massive changes to the fundamentals of the current American economic system, or other such foolishness. There may be some minor tweaks -- a little more taxation there, a little less over here, a few favors for labor unions -- but at the end of the day, America will be left with the same free-market-plus-a-little-extra system we know and love.

There are, of course, other economic paths that Obama could explore. A long time ago, a bunch of people tried a radically different system. It was called communism, and it was terrible. People starved. Which is what tends to happen when you shun economic reality in favor of utopian fairy-tales. Obama may be a liberal, but his choice of relatively moderate, realistic economic policy advisors shows that his mind isn't frolicking with the marxist unicorns just yet.

And to the peaceniks, who have spent decades (centuries?) waiting for a dove to descend upon Washington: prepare for a major letdown. You swept Obama to the Democratic nomination because Hillary frightened you with her pants-wearing hawkishness. And who does Obama pick as his number one diplomat? Hint: not Dennis Kucinich. But it doesn't stop there. Not satisfied with mildly snubbing the legions of pacifism, Obama has gone for a full Three Stooges style eye-poking by letting Bush's Secretary of Defense stick around for the new administration.

Don't worry hippies. It's not personal -- it's business.

At this critical juncture in our nation's history (don't you love it when people say that?), America can't afford to be declawed. The war in Iraq may be winding down, but the battle for Afghanistan is just getting started, and the world seems to be inching ever closer to a second cold war. Flower power alone won't be enough to get America through the next four years. That doesn't mean that Obama will be galavanting around the globe on military expeditions; quite the contrary, he'll almost certainly make heavy use of "soft power". But judging by his cabinet appointments, other options will remain on the table.

However, Obama's apparent (and hopefully, genuine) moderation has nothing to do with America being a center-right nation. Even if they lean a little to the right, most Americans are fairly pragmatic. The issue isn't right versus left; it's what works versus what doesn't. To put it another way, America doesn't necessarily lean to right -- but reality does.

So, if Obama doesn't end up raising taxes on businesses, restricting free trade, and hugging terrorists, it won't come as a surprise to me. No matter how "transformational" he may be, even the chosen one can't transform the laws of the universe. 

Calories We Can Believe In.

Add this to your list of good things about Obama: his abiding love for the Hawaiian plate lunch. For those who may be unfamiliar with this magical combination of fat, starch, and protein, the plate lunch is the undisputed king of all bad-for-you regional cuisine. While variations abound, the classic Hawaiian plate lunch consists of a slab of greasy meat, two scoops of rice, and a heaping scoop of mayo-drenched mac salad, crammed onto an irresistible styrofoam platter. Translation: it's the best thing ever. And according to an article in the New York Times, Hawaii's beloved culinary creation may find itself thrust onto the national stage:

AMONG the myriad people and institutions predicted to profit from Barack Obama’s victory, why has no one cited the plate lunch?

This traditional Hawaiian meal — validated as fine fare by the president-elect when he proclaimed his longing for one during a vacation in Oahu last summer — might be poised to enter the consciousness of mainlanders in all of its fatty, greasy deliciousness.

It all seems like odd fare for a man as bookmark-thin as Mr. Obama, who seems to treasure his treadmill. “I think it is really funny he still eats plate lunch,” Ms. Philpotts said. “Because he is so healthy.”

But she strongly suggested — at least to my ears — that the plate lunch in part accounts for his strong showing in Hawaii. “I think it is because when he comes back here he is so cool, he just kind of slips back into local ways.”

If only Obama would use his stature to encourage L&L to expand into the midwest. A slight bump in national obesity levels would be a small price to pay for so much food-induced happiness.  

Idea Roundup 11-10-08

- Nobel prize winning economist and liberal gadfly Paul Krugman urges Obama to learn from FDR's mistakes -- by throwing caution to the wind and implementing massive government programs that would make the New Deal weep.

- Harvard economics professor Greg Mankiw spies a connection between the great depression and high taxes, and politely asks Obama to pay attention to economic realities.

- National Review editor Rich Lowry thinks the GOP needs fresh ideas to recapture moderate voters. Meanwhile, National Review contributer Deroy Murdock calls Bush a "weak bumbler", disses Newt Gingrich, and calls for a return to Reaganism.

- Some guy at the Huffingtonpost is betting on John Kerry for Secretary of State.

- A Politico ideas piece argues that Palin's frontier mindset leaves her out of touch with mainstream America. And yes, she'll be back.

- Also, possibly the most awkward meeting ever:

The Election Summarized In A Tacky Photo Montage:

Great Scott!

Today at noon, Democratic Senate candidate Scott Kleeb held a town-hall meeting on the UNL campus. I'm usually in class until 12:30, but in honor of Halloween, my Spanish professor graciously decided to let class out early -- leaving me free to bask in the glory that is Scott Kleeb.

"Young" and "energetic" are the two adjectives people seem to use the most when they describe Mr. Kleeb. Unfortunately, those qualities didn't seem to rub off on today's gathering. For an on-campus event, there was a startling shortage of students -- an ill omen for a man banking his entire campaign on his charismatic freshness. Not that you can blame the students for being uninvolved; they undoubtedly had more important matters to attend to. After all, it does take a lot of time and effort to prepare for a night of holiday debauchery.

Still, even in the absence of youth, the spirit of the season was visibly present in the room. One middle-aged woman in the small audience was decked out in full witch regalia -- fitting attire for Halloween, but perhaps not the best thing to wear if you want to win over a crowd's sympathy with tales of healthcare woe.

How did the candidate himself measure up?

Imagine skimming the vague rhetorical cream from the top of Obama's political philosophy, and attempting to mold it into a living, breathing human being. The result would probably end up looking something like Scott Kleeb. At times, his constant stream of numbing clichés was a bit hard to stomach.

I'm still trying to brush all the little particles of hope and change off of my jacket.

Kleeb informed the crowd that "we can do it, but we can only do it together", and that change was on its way because "people have faith in themselves and are checking in." As proof of this unstoppable tidal wave of hope, Kleeb repeatedly referred to the fact that 350 people had signed his pick-up truck. We, the gathered faithful, were also invited to make our mark on the hope-mobile.

He was really into the truck thing.

But what makes Scott Kleeb so different from politicians in the past? The candidate was happy to lay out at least one key difference. In the past, Senators have been given free, tax-payer funded healthcare. Scott Kleeb would also receive this generous healthcare plan -- but with a catch: he plans to pay for it after he gets it for free! As Kleeb explained, families across the state have to write a check every month to pay their healthcare bill. To share in the struggles of these salt-of-the-earth folks, Kleeb will write a check every month as well, even though he doesn't have to. 

Verily, a sacrifice that would make Gandhi weep. 

Although most of his pitch was copied directly from Obama's playbook, in the spirit of bi-partisanship, Kleeb also borrowed some key lines from John McCain. When I asked him about what he would do to help fix social security, Kleeb rattled off McCain's familiar anecdote about Tip O'Neill and Ronald Reagan getting together to fix social security in the '80s, and the need for a similar getting-together today.

"I don't want to sound too harsh," I mildly retorted, "but isn't saying that you're going to solve the problem by getting together and solving the problem kind of a cop-out?"

In a slightly annoyed voice, Kleeb assured me that it wasn't a cop-out.

Deciding to take a different approach, I refined my query: "When you get together to solve the problem, what do you think the solution will look like?"

As it turns out, the solution has something to do with balancing the budget. And hey, we all like balanced budgets, don't we?

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It is very likely that Scott Kleeb is an intelligent, thoughtful person. But in his slapdash attempt to hitch a ride on Obama's wave of change, Kleeb comes across as a crude caricature of charisma -- a smile with a haircut. 

If Nebraskans decide to send him back to his beloved ranch on election day, I won't shed too many tears.