Great Scott!

Today at noon, Democratic Senate candidate Scott Kleeb held a town-hall meeting on the UNL campus. I'm usually in class until 12:30, but in honor of Halloween, my Spanish professor graciously decided to let class out early -- leaving me free to bask in the glory that is Scott Kleeb.

"Young" and "energetic" are the two adjectives people seem to use the most when they describe Mr. Kleeb. Unfortunately, those qualities didn't seem to rub off on today's gathering. For an on-campus event, there was a startling shortage of students -- an ill omen for a man banking his entire campaign on his charismatic freshness. Not that you can blame the students for being uninvolved; they undoubtedly had more important matters to attend to. After all, it does take a lot of time and effort to prepare for a night of holiday debauchery.

Still, even in the absence of youth, the spirit of the season was visibly present in the room. One middle-aged woman in the small audience was decked out in full witch regalia -- fitting attire for Halloween, but perhaps not the best thing to wear if you want to win over a crowd's sympathy with tales of healthcare woe.

How did the candidate himself measure up?

Imagine skimming the vague rhetorical cream from the top of Obama's political philosophy, and attempting to mold it into a living, breathing human being. The result would probably end up looking something like Scott Kleeb. At times, his constant stream of numbing clichés was a bit hard to stomach.

I'm still trying to brush all the little particles of hope and change off of my jacket.

Kleeb informed the crowd that "we can do it, but we can only do it together", and that change was on its way because "people have faith in themselves and are checking in." As proof of this unstoppable tidal wave of hope, Kleeb repeatedly referred to the fact that 350 people had signed his pick-up truck. We, the gathered faithful, were also invited to make our mark on the hope-mobile.

He was really into the truck thing.

But what makes Scott Kleeb so different from politicians in the past? The candidate was happy to lay out at least one key difference. In the past, Senators have been given free, tax-payer funded healthcare. Scott Kleeb would also receive this generous healthcare plan -- but with a catch: he plans to pay for it after he gets it for free! As Kleeb explained, families across the state have to write a check every month to pay their healthcare bill. To share in the struggles of these salt-of-the-earth folks, Kleeb will write a check every month as well, even though he doesn't have to. 

Verily, a sacrifice that would make Gandhi weep. 

Although most of his pitch was copied directly from Obama's playbook, in the spirit of bi-partisanship, Kleeb also borrowed some key lines from John McCain. When I asked him about what he would do to help fix social security, Kleeb rattled off McCain's familiar anecdote about Tip O'Neill and Ronald Reagan getting together to fix social security in the '80s, and the need for a similar getting-together today.

"I don't want to sound too harsh," I mildly retorted, "but isn't saying that you're going to solve the problem by getting together and solving the problem kind of a cop-out?"

In a slightly annoyed voice, Kleeb assured me that it wasn't a cop-out.

Deciding to take a different approach, I refined my query: "When you get together to solve the problem, what do you think the solution will look like?"

As it turns out, the solution has something to do with balancing the budget. And hey, we all like balanced budgets, don't we?

---

It is very likely that Scott Kleeb is an intelligent, thoughtful person. But in his slapdash attempt to hitch a ride on Obama's wave of change, Kleeb comes across as a crude caricature of charisma -- a smile with a haircut. 

If Nebraskans decide to send him back to his beloved ranch on election day, I won't shed too many tears. 

VOTE FOR OBAMA AND WIN A FREE IPOD!!!!

In recent weeks, endorsing Barack Obama has gained popularity as a simple, flavorful way for conservative pundits to spice up their faltering careers.

Never one to buck trends, I feel strangely compelled to join in.

So, here's my friendly election advice: if you vote for one presidential candidate this year, make it Barack Obama.

Please?

Yeah, I know he's the most liberal guy in the Senate. I'm also aware of the fact that he hasn't really accomplished anything beyond winning elections. And sure, he's on the wrong of side of the biggest moral issue facing our country.

Those are all important things to take into consideration, of course.

But not the most important things.

Whenever you size up two presidential candidates, there's only one question you really need to ask yourself: who's going to give me more stuff?

As far as I'm concerned, the answer is clearly Barack Obama.

Senator Obama shares my outrage over rich people making so much money. Why should some evil, cigar-chomping CEO get a million smackers a year, while noble students like myself live below the poverty line? Clearly, this abominable gap between the haves and the have-nots must be eradicated. I may not actually contribute anything to the economy, but I still deserve a larger slice of the American pie. Obama will gladly serve it to me on a biodegradable, corn-based platter.

As a native of the American university system, Obama also understands the deep injustice of college tuition payments. In a modern nation, college should be free, like rainbows and laughter. I shouldn't be forced to toil within the bowels of academia for half a decade, only to be handed a bill at the end. Obama promises to remove this oppressive financial burden from my shoulders, and banish it to the realm of darkness forevermore. Yes, there is such a thing as a free lunch -- and it's incredibly delicious.

Does Obama want to spread Joe the plumber's wealth around?

Maybe.

But as long as I get a decent chunk of it, you won't hear me complaining.

Vote Obama: if you're not rich, he'll give you lots of shiny things.

Say It Ain't So, Joe.

In little more than two weeks, our country will choose its next president. 

Big things are on the line:

Global security.

Economic health.

Entitlements.

Supreme Court justices.

And a lot more.

Unfortunately, none of those things can hold a candle to a plumber named Joe. 

 After enduring the scrutiny of the national press, we now know that Joe is not a licensed plumber, and owes back taxes. Democrats -- including Joe Biden -- have attacked his credibility, while McCain continues to use him as a campaign centerpiece. 

"Joe the plumber" confronted Obama with a provocative question regarding taxes, and there was nothing wrong with McCain picking up on it to illustrate a larger point. But when an illustration becomes a distraction, it's time to move on. 

Thanks for yet another mindless media circus. 

Can we get back to the issues now?

It's The End Of The (Financial) World As We Know It, And I Feel Fine.

Stocks are falling.

Banks are failing.
The government is in crisis mode.

But despite the prevailing mood of doom and destruction, it isn't all bad.

Listening to the rhetoric being spouted by any given politician, you'd think that the entire financial disaster was engineered by a handful of greedy Wall Street executives. In reality, this is little more than a populist bedtime story. While it's true that Wall Street shoulders a certain amount of the blame, corporate greed is only part of the equation.

Banks were unwise to give out mortgages to people who couldn't pay them back -- but the same could be said of the people taking them. For decades, the American consumer has subscribed to the notion that something can be had for nothing. As far as notions go, that's a pretty bad one.

And following it has consequences.

We've seen our national savings rate dip into negative numbers. We've seen people drowning in debt to maintain their lifestyles. And now, we're seeing the financial sector crashing down under the weight of all the loans that people simply can't pay back.

Thanks to the greed of Wall Street and Main Street, our economy is feeling the squeeze. Millions of Americans will almost certainly suffer through financial hardship.

So what "isn't all bad" about this?

In short, the crisis gives our country a chance to transform itself. And I'm not speaking in purely political terms. The financial crisis should serve as a wake up call to people in every segment of society. In government, business, and at home, Americans have held a view of money that stands utterly detached from any sort of reality. Although the phrase has become something of a cliché, people have been "living beyond their means". Now that the bubble has finally burst, the economy has a chance to start over again. 

Painful? Yes.

But sometimes, you have to learn the hard way.

Shattering The Elite Elitism Of The Elites.

If you've been paying any attention to the conservative pundit-sphere recently, you've probably heard quite a few things about elitists. Elitists are mean people with college degrees who live on the east coast. Unlike real Americans, elitists have a bizarre attachment to local produce, and enjoy listening to NPR shows such as "All Things Considered" and "This American Life". Rarely will an elitist be found at a patriotic tail-gate party, downing six-packs with Joe. Instead, elitists prefer to participate in "culture", a vile assortment of abstract art, indie films, critically-acclaimed television, and expensive cheese.

But worst of all, elitists refuse to be charmed by Sarah Palin.

They dare to question her experience.

They have the gall to hint at her lack of knowledge.

They even ridicule her folksiness.

Oh, those gosh darn elitists!

The elitists are too blind to see that Sarah Palin doesn't need a degree from a fancy-pants school like Harvard to be smart. She also doesn't need to read newspapers, know the names of important military commanders, or actually answer questions. Most of all, she certainly doesn't need that whole "understanding of foreign policy" thing that elitists seem to drool over.

Sarah Palin -- bless her heart -- is special just the way she is!

Deep down, everyone knows that experience, knowledge, and the ability to communicate are insignificant chocolate chips in the giant cookie of leadership. The wholesome folks down on Main St. thirst for a different set of qualities. They want someone with big hair, an insatiable hunger for moose-flesh, and a pregnant teenage daughter.

They want someone like Sarah Palin.

Elitists can sit in their tastefully decorated condos and whine all they want about Sarah Palin's role in "the assault on reason". As much as they try to mask it with smart-sounding words, their hatred of Sarah Palin is clearly just another manifestation of their hatred of America, freedom, and professional wrestling.

They want the terrorists to win.

A vote for Palin-McCain can help stop them

Clash Of The Titans!

Everyone was waiting for it:

The big slip up.
The game-changing performance.
Anything that would alter the dynamic of the race.

It never arrived.

The first presidential debate was intense, but neither candidate managed to score a decisive victory.

Naturally, America's current economic crisis was given the seat of honor at the debate. Contrasting opinions about the solution were remarkably absent. Both candidates generally agreed that the $700 billion bailout should be passed, assuming that appropriate measures are added to protect "main street".

Even when it came to diagnosing the root cause of the problem, there was little fundamental disagreement. Barack Obama was quick to pin the problem on too little government regulation in corporate America. McCain didn't use the same wording as Obama, but he made it clear that he believed "corporate greed and excess, and CEO pay, and all that" were the biggest villains in the crisis.

However, McCain also delivered a scathing -- albeit familiar -- indictment of wasteful government spending, including Barack Obama's own earmarks. Obama voiced general agreement with McCain's call for earmark reform, but attacked McCain's plan to cut taxes for the wealthy. McCain responded by attacking Obama's plan to raise taxes on businesses. You can probably fill in the blanks from here.

Trying to nudge the discussion into more specific territory, moderator Jim Lehrer asked a thoughtful question: which of their proposed programs would the candidates give up due to the $700 billion dollar bailout package? Both Barack Obama and John McCain had the same answer: none of them. Apparently, nearly a trillion dollars of unplanned deficit spending isn't big enough to trigger budget cutbacks elsewhere. You could almost hear logic and reality weeping backstage.

The most pointed remarks of the night came during the foreign policy portion of the debate. McCain bluntly referred to Obama as "naive" about the nature of the world, and constantly referenced his own years of experience in international affairs. For his part, Obama harped on McCain's support for the Iraq war, and delivered the expected tirade against Bush's foreign policy. Heated arguments, but certainly no surprises.

Notably absent from the debate was any mention of Sarah Palin, whose very existence on McCain's ticket would seem to undermine the whole "experience matters" thing he likes to talk about so much.

So, that's my take. For your reading pleasure, I've included some of the tastiest quotes from the debate below. Enjoy.

John McCain:

"I saved the taxpayers $6.8 billion by fighting a contract that was negotiated between Boeing and DOD that was completely wrong. And we fixed it and we killed it and the people ended up in federal prison"

I'm glad they fixed the bill before killing it. Somehow, killing a broken bill always feels less than satisfying.

"I've got a pen, and I'm going to veto every single spending bill that comes across my desk. I will make them famous. You will know their names."

Whose names? Who's going to be famous? I'm both scared and confused.

"the American people know me very well and that is independent and a maverick of the Senate."

Um, yeah.

"By the way, North Korea, most repressive and brutal regime probably on Earth. The average South Korean is three inches taller than the average North Korean, a huge gulag."

Short people are evil.

Barack Obama:

"What I've called for is a tax cut for 95 percent of working families, 95 percent. And that means that the ordinary American out there who's collecting a paycheck every day, they've got a little extra money to be able to buy a computer for their kid, to fill up on this gas that is killing them."

Truly, people need to buy more stuff that will kill them.

"Now, John mentioned the fact that business taxes on paper are high in this country, and he's absolutely right. Here's the problem: There are so many loopholes that have been written into the tax code, oftentimes with support of Senator McCain, that we actually see our businesses pay effectively one of the lowest tax rates in the world."

Like Barack Obama, I too am personally outraged and appalled that our business tax rates are actually really low. 

"We've got to invest in science and technology. China had a space launch and a space walk. We've got to make sure that our children are keeping pace in math and in science."

Hasn't America been doing that whole space thing thing for about fifty years now? 

The Other White Guy.

Amidst all the commotion over pigs wearing makeup, bridges to nowhere, and teen pregnancy, it seems that one little fact has been lost in the shuffle:

Barack Obama also has a running mate.

His name is Joe Biden. Remember him? He's the guy who called Barack Obama "the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy". This is a big deal, because, as Joe Biden put it, "that's a story book, man."

Indeed, Joe Biden is an awesome person, and not just because he says hilariously inappropriate things. For starters, he's old and white -- just like McCain! He also sits on a bunch of Senate committees, and can often be seen talking about important stuff on C-span.

In other words, he's a part of what Obama likes to call "the broken Washington system".

But don't worry: Biden is a good part of the bad system. As a Democrat, Joe Biden is clearly free of the tainted politics of the past. Partisanship is a Republican invention, created by the neo-con overlords to hide their diabolical schemes from the eyes of the American people.

Democrats, including our beloved Joe Biden, never bought into it for a second.

Instead, they've spent their years in congress fighting for down-to-earth blue collar folks who live in trailers and work in coal mines and/or toothpaste factories. Those are the hard working Americans that lie at the heart of our nation; the people you sometimes see in National Geographic photo essays on the American spirit.

Those are the people that raised Joe Biden.

Unlike John McCain, who was born into a life of luxury, Joe Biden started life as a wretched Irish kid in Scranton PA. Yes, that Scranton. Throughout Biden's childhood, his hard-working parents instilled sturdy American values into his young mind. He would never forget his mother's creed:

"No one is better than you. Everyone is your equal, and everyone is equal to you."

These are the redundant words that drive Joe Biden to fight for equality, people being equal, and everyone being treated the same. And you can bet your weight in rusty quarters that Vice President Biden will bring this good fight to the highest corridors of power.

No, Joe Biden isn't a woman, and has never field dressed a moose. 
Yes, most people don't seem to care that he's on Barack's ticket. 

But that doesn't make Joe Biden any less of a winner.

He may not have Sarah Palin's "buzz". He may not draw Sarah Palin's crowds. But he has something that she'll never have:

Hair plugs.

Verily, the true meaning of the American dream.